Wow, and I thought I was a bitch. From the Machines are Funky blog, which credits John Hassay (apparently the Managing Director for Colonel Blimp Video and the producer of many fine music videos) for the original:
1. If you have some money to spend, feel free to bring lots of cocaine and ketamine. Don't splurge it all on the actual party , as the after party is where you drugs count - expect to be feeding your favourite minimal DJ's with tons of nose candy until late the next day. Be sure you can hang.
2. If you have a nice big flat and don't mind it being temporarily used as a crack house, be sure to offer it to your favourite minimal DJ before he or she leaves their respected party - be aware that you will most likely have no say on who actually attends the after party, but rest assure you are on your way to becoming a minimal hypster.
3. The haircut is very important, although it is very important - you must not let this be the DEFINING aspect. For tips on hypster haircuts, check on the internet for the latest pictures of Magda - be sure the photo is hot and up to date, as this commandment rotates about every 2 weeks - by that time there is thousands
with the same haircut.
4. Underrated but very serious in your quest to minimal hyperstardom is the minimal scarf. Normally used by French artists say to the world "hey I am an artist, shuchameblah" this is now a sure-fire way to let everyone else know - hey I am down with the minimal sound. Current minimal hypsters who sport the minimal scarf include Luciano, Ricardo, Richie, Magda, Troy and Marc Houle.
5. If you ever have the chance to meet Rich Hawtin, when talking with him - make sure you agree with everything he says and most importantly REPEAT. If you do not have the pleasure of meeting him personally, but have a friend who has - just repeat to everyone what your friend has told you he said. If they are a true
minimal hypster they will surely repeat their whole conversation anyway. With people such as Troy Pierce, Magda, Ricardo Villalobos, Luciano, this same rule applies to a lesser degree, but still enough to get you on your
6. This one is very important, forget about your health and live for the moment. You must be willing to take as many drugs as your favourite minimal superstar DJ. As long as your are willing to party until the last moment on a broad combination of drugs all at the same time, such as Ketamine, Mdma, lots and lots of cocaine, speed, LSD and the occasional mushrooms you will surely be accepted and furthermore run the possibility of
being admired. You can never imagine the power of totally ruining your body and mind in the conquest to being a minimal hype star.
7. This one is simple! Keep it superficial. Under no circumstances should you have a conversation with some depth or meaning. Recommended topics of discussion are haircuts, the newest minus record, how cool magda is, how much drugs Ricardo took the night before, how cool the current party is, and how amazing of a musician Luciano is. Just tell yourself over and over, this is not actually being superficial - it's just being minimal.
8. Sex, Sex, Sex - in the minimal hypster world you should never expect to get laid before 48 hours of straight partying. Even if you have a special liking for that certain someone, keep in mind that if they too are an aspiring minimal hypster like yourself they will most definitely be at that after-hours, and where better place to get down to sexual business. (This is the time when taste, memory and morals are all flushed down the toilet) if you are a
female, this is the time where you chances are highest of scoring with your favourite minimal superstar DJ, therefore immediately catapulting yourself into minimal stardom. (most of the time you will just settle for someone who knows Rich Hawtin).
9. Be sure to constantly read the writing of PHILIP SHERBURNE - he is the man who will always keep you informed on the newest and best hype on the internet. DO NOT EVER QUESTION HIS INTENTIONS OR MENTION THE FACT THAT ALL HE WRITES ABOUT IS HOW COOL RICARDO, RICH HAWTIN, MAGDA, LUCIANO, ROBAG WRUHME AND MUTEK CREW IS. He is literally the man to go to if you want to be fed with the minimal hype. Although it seems as if he is desperately trying to fit in and be accepted, everyone should realize HE HAS ALREADY BEEN ACCPETED. He just loves his role as minimal hypster so much that he wants to spread the love. As with Rich Hawtin the same rule applies to Mr. Sherburne, everything he writes or says AKNOWLEDGE, AGREE AND REPEAT.
10. THE MINIMAL CAPITAL OF THE WORLD BERLIN! If you wish to be a minimal hypestar, one of the easiest ways is to come to Berlin with no plan and frequent places such as the famous drug spots like bar25, club de
visionarie and panoramabar. It is these locations in which your minimal fantasies become realities - expect to see people like Rich Hawtin, Matt John, Konrad Black, Troy Pierce and Magda totally out of their minds and much more easy to approach. It is here that you can forge those life long, superficial - I mean minimal relationships.
These rules are meant in no specific order - ONE MORE GOLDEN RULE! Don't forget minus is the best label
to surface in the last decade with its revolutionary stance on music. Almost as if they coined the term minimal.